Episode 57: Making "Difficult" Conversations Less Difficult
Say Goodbye to the Label
Decide that using the word “difficult” doesn’t help and see what happens!!
Enjoy!
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(The notes below are only a brief summary of what is discussed in the podcast. Be sure to listen to get all of the goodness! If you would like a full transcription of the episode, please send an email request to: angie@angie-robinson.com. We’d be happy to provide that!)
As someone who has worked in leadership and have had direct reports – I’ve had my fair share of feedback and coaching conversations. And I’ve advised and coached hundreds of leaders on how they can have conversations with others. The majority of the time – when people are looking for help in prepping for a conversation – it is couched as “difficult” conversation. There is no shortage of information on the internet about this topic. I Googled “how to have a difficult conversation” – and I got 767,000,000 results! There are trainings about it, masterclasses, podcasts etc. I am even one who teaches on it!!
As I get into this topic – please know that this isn’t reserved for those who have direct reports. Feedback conversations happen everywhere in our lives!
Before I share tips - I should share that there is something about this topic that has always bugged me. That is the term” difficult”. It’s the label that we put on the conversation before the conversation even happens.
What does “difficult” even mean? Who is it difficult for? And how we know that everyone has the same perception of what is difficult and what is not? The definition of “difficult” is: needing much effort or skill to accomplish, deal with, or understand.
When we label the interaction before it’s even happened – it’s like we are deciding ahead of time that it’s going to take ‘much effort to deal with it.”. Give yourself and the other person a little credit!
What if we just call it a conversation. Not difficult, or hard, or easy - - - it’s just a conversation.
And why do we really assume it’s going to be difficult? Typically – it’s because of the discomfort YOU are feeling. You might be worried about making the other person upset or feel bad. You might be uncomfortable not knowing what the reaction will be.
And let me be clear – I’m not suggesting every conversation and interaction is going to be rosy and that you shouldn’t prepare for potential outcomes – especially if you have some indication that things could go an unpleasant direction (based on previous interactions, words that they’ve said, etc.)
I’m talking about the other, less extreme or less obvious “everyday” conversations that we label as difficult.
Here is the thing: ‘Difficult’ is just a thought.
When you think: this is going to be difficult - how do you feel? Maybe the feeling is guarded or fear. Maybe defensive.
From those feelings - what actions might you take? You might avoid the conversation all together. You might think of all of the comebacks you could say. You ruminate about the worst case scenarios. You try to get in the other person’s brain. You over plan. Or you don’t plan enough.
And the result? You’ve made it difficult on yourself! And possibly make it difficult for others.
Now - this episode is called “Making ‘Difficult’ Conversations Less Difficult….that’s my number one tip. Don’t call difficult. Don’t put a label on them. Instead – check in with your thoughts. Decide if the thought you are adopting is helpful. Decide if there is a different thought you can think that serves you (and hopefully the interaction) better.
Now – I’m not saying that the circumstance WON’T BE difficult for you – but I’m saying that don’t decide that ahead of time. And be aware that it’s an optional thought.
Maybe you think something like: “I’m sharing information so we can align.” or “I can control how I show up and honor that the person is going to own their reaction.” or maybe “Clear in kind. Unclear is unkind (Brene Brown).”
I can tell you – it’s made such a shift for me in how I show up and where my attention lies (more on the moment and the person and less in my head). It opens up space for more curiosity and compassion. Makes the whole situation more human.
Now let’s talk about ways to approach conversations. This is less about the “how to”. This is more about getting your head in a helpful place (listen to the episode for further detail):
Be clear on the why (and like it!)
Tap into compassion and curiosity (you first, then them)
Look at all sides of the situation
Ask the question: what is the worst that can happen?
Be careful about expectations you have about how others think and/or react
Set boundaries for yourself
Plan what thought can you think throughout the interaction
What do you think?
Do you label conversations as ‘difficult’? What might change if you didn’t label it ahead of time?
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